


You Bleed Just to Know You're Alive

by charliechick117



Series: How to Fix a Broken Thief [3]
Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliechick117/pseuds/charliechick117
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nori thought that once Erebor was taken, things would be better.  He would have Dwalin and everything would work out.  He never thought things could go so wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Bleed Just to Know You're Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be in Outtakes, but it took a life of it's own so it's here now.
> 
> Title is from Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls.
> 
> This is after the BoFA and the canon character death did happen.

Nori thought that, with Erebor reclaimed, everything would work out.  Dain Ironfoot was a good king, making alliances and rebuilding the broken city.  He made Nori Spymaster and Dwalin Captain of the Guard.  Things had been going rather well, Nori had thought.  He and Dwalin were living together, happy as could be.  Ori was the Master Librarian, working with Balin on the Royal Council.  Dori got his tea shop.  Everything turned out better than he could have hoped.

He couldn't sleep at night for a month.  In his dreams he remembered the battle.  He saw his little brother fighting with a hammer much too large for him.  He saw Dori, battered and bloody, throwing his bolas wildly.  Images of Fili and Kili falling in battle, covered in blood and mud as they tried to protect their uncle.  The sight of Beorn, in full bear form, lifting the limp figure of Thorin from the corpses.  Then waiting at his bedside as Thorin slipped away from this world.  He saw Dwalin, overcome with grief at Thorin's funeral.

Nori couldn't sleep, not with those images burned into his mind.  For a whole month he lived on sparse hours of sleep- when exhaustion grew so heavy he was beyond dreams.  In his waking hours, he shook with nerves.  He painted for hours and sketched until his hands were black with charcoal.  His fingers twisted knots that read nothing and he threw them from the windows.

Then he would sit on the edge of this bed, with Dwalin snoring softly behind him, and flip a knife in the air.  He watched the blade catch the light and thought that maybe this was the day he cut himself again.  Maybe this time he would fall back.  Then Dwalin would roll over, reach a sleepy arm out and curl around Nori's hip and sigh with contentment.  Nori would throw the knife across the room where it would stick in the wall.

It was like that for a month.

Then the dwarves started coming back to the mountain.

As a Spymaster, it was a nightmare.  Hundreds of dwarves from Ered Luin and the Iron Hills came flocking to Erebor.  Those who lost their homes and those who wanted a new life. Each one a potential assassin.  Nori had to keep his feelers out and his students sharp.  He slept soundly for the first time in weeks because he was too tired to do much else.

Then Nori saw his beloved.

Thurk hadn't changed a bit over the years.  He was still lean like a thief, with his black hair braided in glossy plaits.  His dark eyes were still warm and his walk still arrogant.  He was just as gorgeous as Nori remembered.  On his arm was a young dwarf lass, with miles of curly blonde hair and admiring green eyes and the unmistakable bump of a child beneath her hand.

It was as though the floor opened beneath Nori's feet and he was falling.  Memories washed over him.  Their first meeting.  The way they worked together.  How perfectly they slotted together in bed.  The taste of his mouth and the feel of his calloused fingers over Nori's hips.  Everything that they were together flooded into Nori's mind and he couldn't move.  He was frozen.

So he did what all thieves do when faced with such situations.

He ran.

* * *

Nori didn't care anymore.  He had been clean for years.  He found his escape, through art, knots, and tattoos, but this was beyond all that.  His heart was a thundercloud again and lightning was flashing across his limbs and he couldn't breathe.

Thurk was here.  He was here and happy and had a wife and child.  He didn't spare a second glance for Nori when he left.  Did he already have the little lass lined up?  Had he forgotten about Nori?  About everything they had shared together?  Was it that easy to just walk out of his life?

The bite of the blade was heavenly as it tore through Nori's shoulder.  He didn't dare go too deep.  He still had a job to do, after all.  He ran it over his legs, across his wrists, and watched the blood drip out.  The pain burned through his skin and the drops of blood were flaming crimson.  His heart stopped its frantic beating.  The shaking of his limbs slowed.  HIs breath was easier to catch.

It felt so good and so right.

Nori wiped the blade clean, tucked it away, and carefully wrapped himself up.  He would have to face Dwalin later.

* * *

Thurk would not leave him alone.  It wasn't by choice.  Thurk had standing now.  He had married up it seemed, into a family of nobles from Ered Luin.  He was brought to the Royal Council as the ambassador to the Blue Mountains.  Dain accepted him and Thurk now had a place on the Council.  Nori wanted to run away again.  Run and hide and hurt himself until he couldn't feel anything, but he couldn't.  He was the Spymaster.  He needed to stay.

Dain gave the introductions to the council.  Balin, the adviser.  Ori, the scribe and Head Librarian.  Dwalin, Captain of the Guard.  Bofur, head of the Miners.  Nori, the Spymaster.

Nori held his breath when Dain said his name, but Thurk merely glanced over Nori as Dain went down the rest of the line.  He was well and truly forgotten.  His hands were shaking under the table and he picked at a stray thread on his shirt, knotting it as fast as he could to keep him calm.  Ori glanced over at him, worry in his eyes as he took notes of the Council.

Nori knew he should stay.  He had to stay and double check that Thurk wasn't an assassin or working with an assassin, but he couldn't.  He was shaking with need and he dug his fingers into his legs, trying to stop his chest from constricting or his heart from sending lightning over his body.  It was hardly enough for him.  Nori knew what he needed.  He needed the pain, the blood.  He needed it like air at this moment.  Nothing else would save him.

Next to him, Bofur noticed.  Sweet Bofur who had been his support during the quest when Nori couldn't go to Dwalin.  Kind Bofur who knew all of Nori's short comings and faults and failures, just as a best friend should.  Bofur touched Nori's knee and signed quickly in iglishmek.

 _Go.  I will cover for you_.

Nori gave a weak smile of thanks and bolted from the room, not hearing Bofur's quick cover-up.  He ran out the front gates of Erebor and climbed the mountain side.  He climbed until he reached the hidden door where the company first came through.  No one would find him here.  At least, no one Nori didn't want to find him.

He sliced thirteen little lines across his wrist and cried.  The sobs wracked his chest and he knew his head would be pounding when he was done, but he needed to cry.  He curled in on himself and watched the blood drip from the cuts.

What he wouldn't give, at this moment, to cut out his heart.

Life had been peachy.  It had been beautiful and rosy and it had been  _good_.  Nori had Dwalin, he had his brothers, he had a mountain and a king to serve.  He had been clean.  He found an out that kept him safe.  Things were moving forward for him.  Then Thurk had to walk back into his life without even a glance at him.

This was all wrong.  Nori had moved on.  He thought he had moved on.  It had been so many years since he thought of Thurk, of their time together.  Nori had Dwalin now.  Dwalin was his everything.  Not Thurk.  Not anymore.

Right?

So why was Nori crying on the side of a mountain?

Because he was falling for Thurk all over again.  Nori still wanted him.  Nori was still in love with him.  Just because he banished Thurk from his mind and heart didn't mean that Thurk wasn't around the corner, just waiting and biding his time to waltz back into Nori's life.

And Nori hated himself for it.  He hated that he couldn't move on.  He hated that Thurk was still there, a constant presence in the corner of his mind.  He hated that no matter how much he loved Dwalin, he would always have a special spot for the dwarf who left him shattered.  He hated knowing that if Thurk were to ask, Nori would leave Dwalin in a heartbeat.  He hated himself.

With his chest still racked with sobs and tears still streaming from his face, Nori stood up.  He clenched his hand into a fist and a few more drops of blood dripped from his wrist.  A bolt of lightning flashed over his heart when he saw  _Everything_ tattooed beneath the cuts.

Nori was despicable.  He remembered that now.  If he was desirable then Thurk would have wanted him.  If he was wanted then he wouldn't have had to run away from thieves.  He didn't know what he was thinking with Dwalin.  Nori knew now that he had given too much of himself to Dwalin and that Dwalin would see that Nori wasn't good enough.  Dwalin would leave him too, just like Thurk did.

Not if he left first.

The hidden door was situated by a steep cliff.  Nori stood at the edge and felt his toes curl.  One step.  One jump.  That was all it took.  If he threw himself over the cliff then nothing else would matter.  He wouldn't have to think about Thurk or Dwalin.  He wouldn't have to think about anything.

Just one step...

The door opened and Dwalin came bursting through, his eyes frantic.  He saw Nori, standing on the edge with his wrist bleeding freely, and moved instantly.  Nori was pulled into Dwalin's arms the sobs came anew.  He buried his face into Dwalin's broad chest and cried.  Dwalin ran his hands up and down Nori's back, rubbing it soothingly and pressing kisses to his hair.

"Love, love, please," Dwalin whispered.  "Tell me."

"It's him," Nori gasped for breath.  "Thurk is the one."

"He was..." Dwalin said softly.  "He was your beloved?"

"So long ago," Nori said, holding Dwalin tighter.  "I thought... I thought I'd let him go.  I did let him go.  I was moving on without him.  I had you.  But he's here and he's back and I still love him Dwalin.  Why do I still love him?"

"I can't answer that for you," Dwalin said softly.  "Will you come back home?"

Nori nodded and Dwalin gently took him home.  He washed the cuts on Nori's wrist and bound them carefully in clean cloth, pressing a soft kiss to the bandage.

Neither of them slept very well that night.

* * *

Nori didn't go to the Council for three weeks.  He refused to see Thurk.  He came up with a million excuses for why he missed the meetings.  He had to visit Dale.  His students needed to learn how to properly disguise themselves.  There was talk of a forgery in the market.  Dwalin refused to leave Nori home alone, however, and called in Dori.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Dori said, stroking Nori's hair as he cried.  "If I had known-"

"But we didn't," Nori said, hiccuping softly.  "How could we know he would come back?"

"Do you want me to...?"

The same question Dori asked years before.  Nori chuckled at the familiarity of the conversation.

"No," Nori shook his head.  "He doesn't remember me."

"He remembers me," Dori said.  "Are you quite certain you don't want me to get rid of him?"

"I'll be fine," Nori sniffed.  "I just need to forget again."

"Forget what?"

"Everything."

* * *

Nori hated coming home with bleeding wrists to see Dwalin awake with bandages at the ready.

"'M sorry," Nori mumbled as Dwalin rinsed the blood off.

"I hate seeing you do this," Dwalin said, kissing Nori's wrist.  "I hate seeing you hurting over him.  I could have him killed for you, if you'd like."

"No," Nori shook his head.  "There's no point anymore."

Carefully, Dwalin smeared some of Oin's ointment over the cuts and wrapped it gently but firmly.  When finished, he pulled Nori in for a kiss.

"Will you tell me why?" Dwalin whispered.

"Why what?"

"Why you hurt yourself this way," Dwalin said, running a finger down the bandage.

"Sometimes you need the proof," Nori said.  "You need to bleed to know you're alive."

"Can't you do something else?  Walk around, touch things, hold me?"

"Not the same," Nori sighed, curling up into Dwalin's chest.  "You bleed and you know you can die.  You bleed and you feel the pain and you know you're alive because it hurts so much."

Dwalin put his arms around Nori and held him tight.

"When will it go away?"

"It never goes away," Nori's fingers wound themselves into Dwalin's shirt, tears behind his eyes.  "You can only push it back and hope it doesn't come out.  I'd been doing so good for so long but Thurk is here and I can't... I can't let him go.  I don't know how to yet."

"Do you..." Dwalin started.  Nori looked up and Dwalin took in a shuddering breath.  "You said you love him."

"I do."

"Do you not love me?"

Nori didn't answer.  He wanted to say yes, of course he loved Dwalin, but the words got stuck in his throat.  Wasn't love the reason he came on the quest for Erebor?  Wasn't love the reason he gave those knots to Dwalin?  Wasn't it because of love he had a tattoo on his wrist that matched Dwalin's?  Wasn't love the reason he was here, lying beside Dwalin?  Didn't he love Dwalin?

The answer was yes.  Yes, Nori loved Dwalin.  Dwalin was his everything.  Dwalin was the only reason Nori was alive.  Dwalin was the reason Nori was able to keep himself clean for all those years.  But Nori loved Thurk just as much.  Thurk was the one Nori loved first.  He was the first dwarf Nori wanted to settle down with.  Thurk was Nori's first, real love.  How could Nori ever forget him?

"I do," Nori finally said.  "Of course I love you, but Thurk was my first.  Do you not still hold feelings for your first love?"

"But he hurt you."

"And you fixed me," Nori said, sitting on Dwalin's lap and framing his face.  "And he's here, hurting me again.  Won't you stay?"

"I will always stay with you," Dwalin's hands came up and covered Nori's.

**Author's Note:**

> This did not go anywhere I wanted it to go and I think it ended rather abruptly.
> 
> Most of this series, though, is a retelling of a bad relationship I had. It's really therapeutic for me, even if the story seems a bit jumbled.


End file.
